50 years young

Oh how my life has changed from my last wring on here. My wonderful colourful and creative children no longer reside with me but are taking their lives out into the big wide world and living it. Thank the lord ( mostly) for Facebook as I keep appraised of their antics. Regular visits and phone calls result in the fridge being emptied the plug holes blocked with hair and my heart full of their stories their laughter and their love. Step grandchildren have come along on here hubby’s side. Now there’s a sign we’re getting old. 2 little boys full of life mischief and where do they get that energy from??

But the biggest change is a baby girl who crept into our hearts when she was placed with us at 4 months old. We didn’t know what hit us, this wee beauty who was loud smiley and totally engaging just stole our hearts out from underneath us. In 2016 she officially became our daughter our baby girl the one thing we would never have was a child together and here she was. An angel of epic proportions yes I’m totally biased but I never thought I would feel as strongly for another child as I would those who I forced out kicking and screaming.

So my patchwork life continues, foster children numbers 38 & 39 currently sleeping soundly awaiting their future. And my future? Well I’ve given up guessing who knows where that could lead. But I resume my writing and I gain a little creativity selling beautiful children’s books, I live in the cottage of my dreams so here’s to 2018 bring it on xx

Can I have £20

I’m nearly 46, Really I’m 45, I feel like I’m twenty at times and 90 at other times I don’t think I have ever felt 45 I guess I will never feel 46!!

My life to date achievements can be summed up in 4 words, they’re all names, that’s right my 3 children and my husband. They are and always will be my greatest achievements in life. It’s a daily struggle with kids. I don’t think I appreciated them enough when they were little. The fact that amusing them was easy spending time with them was fun and there was never any other agendas going on. Now I look at them my heart bursts with pride but it also bursts with sadness and fear and the need to wrap them up and put them to bed when I did when they were little. It’s scary being a parent of a teenager. If only I could have a spyglass that would let me see 10 years from now. I could relax enjoy the ride my heart wouldn’t race like it does and the tears wouldn’t flow. But am I like all other parents? Too busy worrying about what could be, what might be, to enjoy the what is??

They are great my kids they are funny talented and certainly unique. They were all early talkers and have never stopped; they are creative and fiercely independent.

Take my 17 year old. He’s a baby yet he has decided it’s time to go it alone. I love you Mum but this is something I have to do! As he packs his stuff, (the major part of packing being his play station) and heads to a mates house to stay. Text me or ring whenever you want Mum and oh can you lend me £20. My heart breaks as he goes out the door, I can’t sleep as my head is so full of what could be what might be, I text at night, sweet dreams son like that’s my talisman to protect him. He is adamant he is going to make it. He came back yesterday, needed a shower a change of clothes and some food, oh and can I lend him £20. Then off he went after a hug and a pep talk.

14 year old says stop being a drama queen Mum and can I have his bedroom it’s the biggest in the house! I stem the flow of tears and look at my wise daughter who loves her brother but ever the practical one.

Small children who we foster drift around oblivious to the storm raging around them. Happy to be finger painting or sticking and gluing, the dog even had a new decoration added to his tail when I just wasn’t concentrating. Can I have a drink, can I watch TV am I going to school yet is the endless mantra as I carrying my bleeding heart around trying so hard to put on a brave face.

Listen to this Mum says the teenager as she comes downstairs with her guitar, and I listen to the latest song she has earnt a tear in my eye and a smile on my lips. Oh stop being so emotional she says and can I have £20 for a new guitar case? Off she goes back to her lair to think up new tunes and new stories and I watch her go wondering when she will put me through it too. Will I have time to recover from this one??

He’ll be back says the ever practical hubby. My rock the one I hang on to while the storms around me rage and threaten to blow me away in every direction. Stop getting so upset he’s just playing the game, he’ll be back. Then we’ll be back to clock watching at night time wondered what time he is going to make an appearance tonight, what excuse he will have to be late what bus failed to stop, failed to even turn up or trapped him on it in the bus station whilst the driver popped off somewhere?? I pleasure in the creativity of the excuses; it’s amazing how awful our local bus service is I really must write a letter to complain!


Mum comes a shout from upstairs, have you ironed my favourite top yet? Out comes the ironing board as it rushes downstairs all hair and scary make up, quick I’m going into town and can you lend me £20 I need some more make up.

I’ll just pop down to the £20 tree it seems to getting a bit of a battering today I muse as I lug out the ironing board in an attempt to appease. Let her do it herself says hubby she’s quite able. I’ll put the kettle on. Oh a cup of tea I think as I slave away trying to iron the many folds and the frankly huge piece of cloth for size 6 child!

Then the phone rings, arrrr I breathe it’s my eldest and finally sorted child. Hi Mum he says can you read my CV I’m applying for a job. No probs send it through to me I say all full of pride and love for the one that put me through the most so far!! I have to submit it in 20 minutes so can you do it now, I look at the piece of cloth that’s resisting every attempt I make to make it look anywhere near normal, my tea steams away on the side as I gaze lovingly at it wondering when I’ll get to sit and enjoy it. Of course son I say with no idea how. So off I go with the computer balanced on the ironing board font made 3 sizes larger as I can’t quite find my glasses and iron in hand trying not to burn me or the cloth as I multi task.

Ironing complete CV read and son phoned back to tell him how wonderful it read oh and to change the spelling mistakes, and I eye up the cup of tea just as I hear the words, I missed the toilet. A change of clothes a quick dip in the bath and ten minutes later peace is restored. The door bangs as daughter heads into town, the sound of CBeebies and quite children fills the lounge, the £20 tree is seriously drooping and the tea is cold. But I get 5 minutes to sit in peace in the kitchen with the dogs. Which reminds me I must get some more food for them.

I love being 46 roll on 47!

Comfortably Numb

She loved the darkness. It swirled around her holding her warm and safe. This must have been how it felt before she was born, floating in the dark warm embryonic sack. Now she used it to dive down into and to enjoy the nothingness of her existence. It was peaceful it wasn’t threatening and when she was here she knew he would come. She heard his voice telling her he would come she felt the warmth of him and she revelled in that feeling of love and safety that he gave her. She glided through blending with the dark and becoming less and less earthly. The feeling of complete freedom; no worries just her and her space, peace and silence it was perfect and how she enjoyed it.

The lights came again and she struggled towards them. Listening she could hear muffled voices she couldn’t hear the words but she knew they were voices. She experienced pin pricks across her body, unable to locate where they were coming from and which part of her body felt them. She allowed it to continue, it didn’t hurt it just felt strange. The noises, light and sensations came regularly and somewhere in the back of her mind she knew why. Try as she might she just couldn’t access it. Maybe if she closed off and dived back down into the black she would find it.

Concentrating with all her might she shut off from the experiences from the light and from the sound and allowed the black to hold her again. Feeling relieved she waited she floated and she dreamt.

She saw herself as a child. A little girl with pigtails and scuffed shoes. She knew she would get in trouble when she got home for scuffing her shoes so she tried to clean them and disguise the marks. As soon as she got in her brother pointed out the marks and she turned to see the face of her stick thin Mother oozing with disappointment. All her life all she had done was disappoint, she didn’t want to but the more she strove to find approval the more she felt pushed aside. Her Mother tired with the daily struggle of life rarely looked at her, let alone cuddle or told her she loved her. She tried telling her Mum she loved her but she was just tutted at and sent out of the room to find something useful to do. But she never stopped trying to please. She would scrub and clean ensuring her room was spotless and her brother’s side was equally as tidy. Never a hair out of place she tried so hard. Her brother was lavished with praise and attention; he was the apple of her mother’s eye. He would sit on their Mothers lap and turn his head in her direction a superior smile upon his lips. Knowing he was the favoured child the blessed child and he could do no wrong.

As they got older her brother became impatient with his Mothers attention, he also had pangs of guilt towards his little sister and watched as she was constantly pushed away never to feel love and affection. He tried to give this to his sister but his clumsy attempts scared her off and she didn’t know what to make of it. So he shut his eyes to her pain and yet again someone moved out of her world without her doing anything.

She floated in the darkness relieving the pain swamped with the feelings of inadequacy that she felt as a child. The feelings that sent her to sleep at night with tears on her lashes and woke her up with that sinking sensation of yet another day to endure.

Shaking herself she knew this wasn’t what she was supposed to be thinking about she knew that she was less and less in touch with the lights and sound than she had been but she couldn’t remember why.


Then she heard his voice. She floated out of the darkness towards the light. She could hear him. She couldn’t make out the words but the tone and the speed of his words made her feel warm. He spoke softly, his voice trailing through her mind like the wind through the trees. She could feel a warm feeling and she knew he was touching her. She pushed herself more and more toward the sound of his voice toward the light she strained to hear him, disappointed that she could not make out the words. She tried to hold really still she pushed at the boundaries of her world with all her might. She heard him shout ‘Nurse’ what did that mean?. She couldn’t maintain the effort to keep so close to the light and she drifted back. Not totally into the darkness as she didn’t want to lose him, the feeling he bought. She desperately wanted to be near him to hear him and to feel him.

Back down she sank shutting off the sounds exhausted and panting she lay waiting for the pain to start again as it always did after she exerted herself so much. It didn’t come she was pleasantly surprised that her numbness still existed it was pricked by the pains all over her body, maybe this was a good sign. But a sign of what? Think she told herself think.

She saw a teenager dancing in a club, smiling as she accepted a dance from the handsome one, she saw her friends shocked that she had been asked to dance by him. She felt him whirling her around she felt herself falling in love. She remembered the dread of telling him she was carrying his baby. But he took it so well. Her parents didn’t they weren’t impressed that their young unmarried daughter had disgraced them by becoming pregnant. It proved she was of no worth and they had been right all along. They cast her out. Bereft she turned to him. He had money he found her a flat and moved her and the baby in. He didn’t move in and she wondered why until she saw the evidence of his wife and his other children. Heartbroken she slipped away in the night determined to get away from them all and start a new life where no one could hurt her and her baby.

She travelled through the night; she had a little money so took the train as far as Sheffield. Getting off she gazed around at this strange northern town. Its building blackened from the pollution, the traffic heavy outside the small quaint station. This was a good a place as any to start.

Thankful to her Mother for the strength and resilience she had she started a new life. Her son Robbie was born and she worked hard to give him what he needed.

Robbie, the love of her life. She revelled in the warmth of her feelings for him. His sweet cherubic face his laugh as they played in the park, his giggles as he splashed in the bath. The sweet sweet smell of him as freshly bathed she laid him into his bed and settled him down at night. Her Robbie; her pride and joy. The school loved him ‘bright as a button’ they described him. With pride she attended parent’s evenings and carefully helped him grow with a sense of self-esteem and pride in himself. Like a willow she watched him as if in slow motion growing into the gangly teenager, still scrapes on his knees and eyes brimming with mischief and excitement at life.

But then the shadows came; the things she didn’t want to think about, the pain the sadness as she watched him grow up and grow away from her, as she watched him turn from a carefree loving teenager into a dark and brooding young man. A young man swept away with the underbelly of life, the drugs the parties the women. Until ultimately she lost him all together to the demon drugs that she feared so much.

She thought the pain would overwhelm her would drown her and if she could have just faded away at that time she would have gladly done so. A life without Robbie was a life not worth living. She lost weight she became a shadow of herself barely functioning barely existing. It was then Steve came into her life. He cast a line for her to hold and eventually she grabbed it with all of her might.

Steve was kind he listened to her and held her when the pain became too much. He took her out and encouraged her to start living again, slowly and gently. As the hours then the days and then the weeks passed she began to come out of her dark cloud and to see the joy in life again. Steve was the first man she had ever loved. She loved him with all her heart not just because he helped her through her pain but also because he was attentive, and kind. He gave her compliments and he also knew how she was feeling. He could tempt a smile out of her even on her darkest days. Her love for Steve knew no bounds, they were soul mates, they enjoyed the same things and were content with each other’s company.

The passion made her dizzy to think about. He made her feel ways that no one had ever even come close to feeling. Their bodies knew each other and responded instinctively to one another. They didn’t need words for their love it was real it was tangible it was beautiful.

She stopped; of course the voice, the one saying he would never leave it was Steve her Steve. She strained at the darkness and reached out to the light. Yes she could hear the tone of his voice she couldn’t hear the words but she felt the love. Steve was her life, he had given her life she stretched out to reach to him she strained to hear his words. ‘’I’m sorry my love’’ he said I love you please come back to me, I love you and I want us to be married and grow old together’’.

Her heart soared she heard the words she had been dreaming of. The lifeline to pull her back, and she remembered the fight the argument over something silly that had escalated. She remembered how she panicked how fearful she had become shaking from the harsh words they said to each other she had fled from the house. It was raining outside and they had always said the slabs on the concrete path outside their house were dangerous in the rain. She felt herself falling and she couldn’t stop it, she saw the bright lights of the cars as they tried to avoid her………and then it was nothingness that’s when the darkness had taken her. She was in hospital she realised the lights were the room, the beeps were the machines. She hadn’t seen them herself but she had guessed from what she had seen on the TV. The feeling she felt was Steve rubbing her arm willing her back oh how she wanted to reach into his arms, how she wanted to feel his breath on her cheek the power of his love. She strained towards the sound pushing with all her might, the lights grew the sounds louder she could hear her lover her soul mate calling to her. She pushed towards the light, it grew stronger and stronger it was beautiful if only she could reach it. One final push and she reached it.

She expected to see Steve waiting for her looking down upon her bed, she closed her eyes with the effort and when she opened them the brightness was still there. But so was her son her Robbie. He looked so well so strong and so handsome. He held his arms out to her and reached for her. As she went into his arms she knew. She knew it was over; the love of her life was gone she couldn’t reach him anymore she had passed over and no longer could she feel warm breath or the sun on her face. She sobbed as Robbie held her close. Don’t cry Mum you’re here now you with us at peace. But she knew peace had left her when she left her earthly body when she had left the man of her dreams alone and grieving for a love that should have been.

A very modern romance

User1 – Hi I’m new to this, thanks for the invite

Fireblade1 – No problem, be careful of the weirdo’s lol

User1 – thanks for warning they’ll be in good company lol

Fireblade1 – Have you changed your profile name?

Bluebell- Been on here a week now! User1 certainly gave the game away that I was a novice

Fireblade1 – yup that’ll get em out of the woodwork good luck

Bluebell – ha-ha thanks

Fireblade1– Not seen you for a while. How’s the site treating you?

Bluebell – I’m quite enjoying it, have learnt to block people I don’t know, real life friends only!!

Fireblade1 – How come I’m still here axe wielding maniac you know?

Bluebell – hahahaha you don’t strike me as the sort, but as you crept through my defences in the early days and seemed relatively normal it felt a bit mean to cull you!!


Bluebell – nutter!!!! What brought you to the madness that is my ‘my world’ anyway???

Fireblade1 – Can use it through work so thought I might as well see how many other nutters are out there in cyberspace, you?

Bluebell – my friend encouraged me to join I like writing and have posted a few of my bits

Fireblade1 – you wrote those?? I’m impressed thought they were things you had copied as you liked them

Bluebell – cheeky thing of course I wrote them it’s a way to let out my feelings

Fireblade1 – not a writer myself prefer to go to war to vent!

Bluebell – War???

Fireblade1 – read my info space!!! I play war games on Xbox

Bluebell – ohhhhhh I see too complicated for me give me a keyboard any day

Fireblade1 – you write so well and I love the tattoos are they yours

Bluebell – yes don’t want to put a pic of me up so used my tats, gotta go now children beckon

Fireblade1 – Take care catch up soon.

Bluebell – Hi there how’s you??

Fireblade1 – I’m good was just thinking about you!

Bluebell – nice thoughts I hope

Fireblade1 – of course, wondered where in the world you are?

Bluebell – Long way from you my friend way up in the North

Fireblade1 – Ahhhh and what’s life for you like up there

Bluebell– Great, great kids, have a great job and great friends. Could do without some of the weirdo’s on here though getting a bit freaked by it every time I come to the page

Fireblade1 – take no notice just don’t give personal info out or answer them back, they’ll learn

Bluebell – had a proposition of marriage can you believe!!!!!! On here some African Prince wants to make me his queen.

Fireblade1 – hahah my little African queen!!! I had a woman travelling from Outer Mongolia to visit me, but guess what?

Bluebell – what??

Fireblade1 – she lost her purse at airport and asked if I could send through money to get her a new id card and she would refund me when she got here!! Hahahahahah

Bluebell – Hahah and there’s me thinking you had found the girl of your dreams

Fireblade1 – I hope she would be closer than Outer Mongolia, the same country would help!

Bluebell – I gotta leave this too many weirdoes’ it’s freaking me out a little

Fireblade1 – I wondered why I hadn’t heard from you as much

Bluebell – yeah I’ve been avoiding it to be honest I don’t think cyberspace is my thing really.

Fireblade1 – you wanna swap email addresses?

Bluebell – that’d be cool, feel like I’ve got to know you

Fireblade1 – (Sends email address and icon of flower)

Bluebell – that’s so sweet thank you see you on the other side.

And so it continued, fireblade1 and bluebell moved to email and then to in boxing each other on a daily basis. The relationship grew without either party being aware. They talked about everything from marriage break ups to foreign holidays and music. Bluebell learnt to love the inbox she received and equally fireblade1 would check his mail on a daily basis even when he wasn’t at work. He invested in a new laptop for home purely so they could talk and both continued the communication beginning to share more and more deeply with each other. Bluebell found herself telling him things she couldn’t tell anyone else, her darkest fears her biggest mistakes. Fireblade1 equally shared his life with her and each found the initial sense of interest growing in them as the communication flowed.

Fireblade1 began to send bluebell videos of her favourite music they would join together through the computers and watch them together chatting as they went and enjoying the time together. This became a regular thing, once a week when they were both alone they would indulge in computer to computer conversations and videos together sharing their love of music and amazing in what similar tastes they had.

After a few months bluebell wrote and told him how her uncle was really ill and she needed to travel up to be with her family. Fireblade1 ever the gentleman offered her a place to stay as she would be local to him. Bluebell thanked him but said she had family to stay with however they wouldn’t have internet access. Fireblade1 distraught at the idea of not chatting for a week sent her his mobile number. He said should she ever need just to escape and chat to someone outside what was happening he would be there if she didn’t want to, he would wait by the computer until she returned. Bluebell was touched by this offer and safely tucked away the number knowing that this was a whole new level for them both. Talking on the phone hearing his voice. Without telling him it was something she had thought about and had dreamed of. Fireblade1 was becoming important to her. He was there when she needed to talk, he would never respond in crude or over the top way. He seemed scarily normal. How she longed for normal, some of the men she had met left an awful lot to be desired. Bluebell had removed herself from the dating market it was too much like hard work. She had all she wanted didn’t she?? Yet late in the night when the kids were asleep she longed to feel the closeness of another, when she had a hard day she longed to come home and have someone make her a cuppa and to hear all about it.

Fireblade1 tramped his lonely flat. The evening didn’t seem complete without his inbox chat with bluebell.  He read her writing that he had kept, wondering in the beauty of it in the sadness of it and the emotion it conveyed in him and what it meant to her. He wondered how she was. Where she was, he fantasised maybe she was just up the road. He didn’t realise how important she was to him until that link was severed. Fireblade1 had removed himself from the dating scene, too many desperate women wanting too much from him. He was content he had his kids when they visited, he enjoyed his job, he had all he wanted didn’t he?? But like bluebell he missed the closeness of another he missed the sharing and the listening and the being part of another’s world. Yet here they were miles from each other she would think him a total madman if he told her of his feelings. Better to have the contact they had than to risk it all and frighten her away.

Then it happened. Bluebell picked up the phone and called the number. Fireblade1 not recognising the number initially though he wouldn’t answer. It would be some cold caller someone trying to sell him windows or doors. Yet he was lonely maybe it wasn’t and so he answered the phone.

Bluebells heart fluttered when she heard his voice, she stumbled over her words reddening in the face and neck. Maybe he only offered her the number out of courtesy, now she was here maybe it was the last thing he wanted? Halting she told him who it was and waited for his reply. Fireblade1 couldn’t believe it, here she was on the phone and she had chosen to phone him. He wanted to tell her how much he had hoped she would call; he wanted to tell her he had thought about her every day since they had last communicated. But he didn’t he asked how her uncle was and caught the catch in her voice as she told him it wasn’t good news. He heard the tears flow and desperately wanted to be the one to hold her and let her sob on his shoulder. He knew she was holding everyone up and all she had to hold her up was him. A cyber friends and computer that spoke back. He listened he sympathised he made her laugh, little hiccupping laughs that sounded like heaven to him.

He couldn’t stop himself, ‘’can I meet you at the hospital for coffee tomorrow’’?? The words hung in the air long enough for him to curse himself at his crassness, bowling in when she was low and taking advantage of her vulnerable state. He held his breath waiting, would she hang up would she add him to her list of weirdo’s………..when the answer came his relief was palpable. He had to fight not to let the relief of her answer show in his voice.

Yes I would love that she said.

New Beginning

She sat gazing at the window. Outside she could hear the revellers calling and shouting as the clock began its inevitable journey towards the end of the year.

Ten they all shouted, fireworks banged and exploded above her showering the room in their brightness and momentarily lighting up her face as she sat in the darkness.

Nine came the chant, in the corner of the room the baby whimpered in his sleep, she went to him and looked down on his sleeping form. The downy soft hair on his head and the rose bud lips sucking in his sleep. She put her hand down upon his face and felt the warmth and life within, drawing strength from it she looked up again and sighed. Her baby, the sweet and innocent one, he was her life he filled her every waking moment with joy and the love she felt was beyond anything she believed she could ever feel. The circumstances of his birth weren’t easy and she questioned many times her resolve in bringing him into the world. Now he was here she would protect him even if that meant laying down her life for him.

Eight came the chant, she drifted back to how it had all began. Michael, with his deep blue eyes his booming laugh and his safe and strong arms. Oh how she loved him how she felt so special when she was the one he had chosen. All of her school friends were jealous, he was the catch they were all desperate to reel in. She was warned of course he was older than her had more experience wouldn’t settle down, but with the naivety of youth she believed she could change him. Desperate to believe the words he whispered to her as he danced his courtship dance and pulled her into him.

Seven screamed the crowd. And she fell, fell for his words fell for the way he touched her body, fell for the status she suddenly had in school. Everyone wanted to be her friend where before they would pass her by as if an invisible ghost, she held her head high, she laughed in class instead of working for the first time. Girls actually wanted to know what she thought and what make up she liked! She didn’t actually have any make up but when her Mother was asleep (which was most of the day), she would creep into her purse and remove little bits of money to but herself the needed bits. When she did the weekly shop she would stretch the meagre amount she was given to include new tights or a nice deodorant. Her Mother who lived in a world of her own never noticed.

Six came an ever increasing scream from outside. She was worried he would find out about her family. Dad was easy she had never known him, her Mother had told her stories but they differed every time she listened. But she knew the truth. Her Father was a strong and handsome man, he was in the army and after she was born he was sent to Afghanistan on tour of duty and sadly was killed by an exploding mine. The family had his medal and this had pride of place in her bedroom. She’d had to do a lot of research about Afghanistan to keep this story alive and she had found a medal in the second hand shop that she displayed proudly upon her wall. Some nights she would lay and gaze at the medal imagining her strong righteous and brave father, how if he hadn’t sadly come to an end he would come and save her from the living hell in which she existed.

Five came the cry. Her Mother was a different story however, she was a wreck, she floated about the house skinny and wretched, she rarely lifted her head from the sofa when she was awake and she had no idea about the running of the house paying the bills and how all this happened. Her life was devoted to the pursuit and ingestion of heroin. An evil drug that sucked the life out of her that made her whimper in the corner with wild eyes and screams of pain when absent. When she was high she would float in and out of consciousness and it was these times that she would be aware of her daughter and the 2 would have an uneasy conversation. She had periods of time in care moving between foster homes and lastly the dreaded children’s home where staff and other children alike preyed upon her and made her life a misery. Since getting out the last time when she turned 16 she had pushed her Mother to move and the 2 of them had kept under the radar of social services existing in the small flat. Their roles had reversed her Mother would sign what was put in front of her and she would care for the flat do the shopping sort out the benefits and get herself to school.

The crowd called out a fervent four. She had dreams, she wanted to finish school and get the grades to do A levels and then attend university. She wanted to be a vet to work and care for animals. Animals who wouldn’t hurt her, animals who wouldn’t take from her and animals she could cure and make a difference too. She had spent many nights living her new life in her up town flat; with the small car parked outside, close by for those night calls she maybe required to make. She would have a TV that worked and would be able to open her fridge to fragrant foods and wine chilling in the door ready for her return. She would have friends who would call for her to go to the trendy wine bars in town or would sit around in their pyjamas sharing ice cream and discussing the latest film. Oh her life was on track to leave the pain and horror of her childhood far behind.

Three. And there was Michael. His arms his eyes and his gentle words He held her close when she cried for her Father, his eyes flashed with anger when she told him about the adults that had ‘’cared’’ for her. He charmed her Mother never commenting upon the smell emanating from her or the marks on her eyes or cuts on her arms. He would take her dancing or out in his new car which was his pride and joy. He had dreams of owning his own garage employing lots of men and living in a large hill that overlooked the city. He had the spot picked out where he would build his house.

It was in this spot she had told him. His eyes had dulled as she looked in them searching for the love and the joy. But he hadn’t been pleased he hadn’t shared her pain instead he had turned on her screaming that she had plotted to ruin him, to dash his plans and to trap him in a loveless marriage. She turned her face to her twisting hands in her lap as he ranted, she lifted herself out of her body as the blows came she cried silently her heart breaking as she held her stomach to protect the tiny form inside her from the brutal beating she received at the hands of the man she adored.

Her Mother never noticed the bruising the pain her daughter was in as she came in that night. She took herself to her room and sobbed allowing herself to cry out loud until her Mother shouted to her to keep it down as she was busy trying to earn for them. She lay and listened as her Mother was used by some drunk she’d picked up for a meagre amount that meant Mother could dissolve into oblivion. As she lay there a plan formed, she dressed her wounds and cleaned herself up slipping quietly from the room and closing the front door to her home for the last time.

The volume increased outside as the crowd screamed two. The Social Worker had been kind she listened to her story she took her to hospital to get her wounds treated. She had a scan and for the first time saw the life inside her which had withstood the beating imposed on his mother. She fell in love; she knew her future was caring for this little life protecting it and loving it beyond all else. She found her a place in a refuge where she found a strength in the women that lived there. They shared their stories and they planned together deep into the night. She finished school, it wasn’t easy she was the subject of scorn and gossip but she gained her exams and the women in the refuge held a party for her when she got her results.

They helped her move into the flat and Mary a kindly woman held her hand as little Johnnie came into the world. That was 2 months ago. As the crowd called one she walked over to the crib and looked down on her sleeping son. As if on cue the baby awoke murmuring in his cot. She picked him up and held him to the window as the crowd outside screamed in unison Happy New Year. As the tears poured down her face she held him to the window laughing along with the revellers outside sharing for a moment in that joy and that pleasure they exposed her too. She looked into her sons bright blue eyes as he gazed up at his mother with the love of a newborn. As she gently kissed his head she whispered Happy New Year Johnnie it’s a whole new beginning.

A little something i wrote for my son on his Birthday last week

Happy Birthday


You Stand so tall and look this way

I swear you take my breath away

Your eyes so big and bright and blue

My heart skips a beat when I look at you

Your smile can light a thousand days

Your voice so sweet no matter what it says

The path ahead can be hard and tough

But I swear you will always have my love

No matter where in this world you will be

A mother’s love always bursts from me

I’ll protect you as I can til my dying day

And in my heart you will always stay


Happy Birthday Son

A Christmas tale

A Christmas Tale

She sat dozing by the fireplace, the cat contentedly purring on her lap. As she thought back through time to Christmas eve many years ago smiles and tears came to her eyes as she remembered the happy times and the love in her heart at that time. The tree twinkled in the corner of the room dressed for only her as she spent her Christmas’s every year alone in this room

The embers of the fire were burning low and cast an eerie glow across the room, the clock began to gently strike 12 and stirred her from her happy dreams, ‘rite puss’ she said fondly tickling his ears and delighting in the loud purring which came from within ‘time for bed’.

As the clock moved through its chimes the room took on a brighter glow, the fire suddenly from burning embers leapt into a hearty roar and the twinkling in the room made her rub her tired old eyes in wonder.

Her ears strained to hear music that was coming from somewhere, music that reminded her of the music halls in her youth, settled by this she relaxed and sat back to listen, the cat stirred and leapt from her lap causing her to start as in front of her stood a young man with his hand out.

‘Would you care for a dance missus?’, she starred up in wonder it was her Pat in full army uniform, his cheeky smile and the twinkle in his eye as bright as it were the last day she had seen him as he set off to war.

‘But but’ she stammered, ‘shhh now Kathleen’ said Pat and gently raised his fingers to his lips, ‘come dance with me my lovely’. She got up out of her chair and into his arms, the rheumatoid aches and pains in her hips forgotten as they whirled around the room dancing to the music of their youth.

Together they danced and laughed and held each other close, her joy at being close to the man she had lost so many years ago to the brutal war took away any doubts or fears. The night was magical and their love for each other permeated everything around them.

‘But Pat’ she said as she stood to catch her breath and to look into those brown eyes that had held her love for so many years, ‘how can you look at me now Pat? I am an old woman with white hair and a crooked back’, ‘hush my love’ he said as he gently kissed her lips, ‘you are as beautiful to me as the day we met. Your blue eyes still sparkle with vibrancy of youth your cherry red lips taste as sweet as ever in my heart you are always my Kathleen, and one day we will be together again forever’. She melted as she felt his warm lips bare down upon her and his strong arms around her body.

Suddenly the chimes of the clock shock her with a start, she sat in her chair and gazed around, where was he, where was her Pat, the cat jumped lightly back on her lap and she felt the twinge of Rheumatism in her hip. A faint breeze was in the air and brought to her the smell of his aftershave, now she knew her Pat and been and soon they would be together forever. ‘Happy Christmas puss’ she said.



As he lay back full and contented he surveyed his immediate surroundings. His web needed some attention in places it was getting patchy and threadbare. He smiled as his mind thought back to the struggles that had caused those gaps and how ultimately his web had won. Holding his prey until their struggles died down and their bodies became weak, their minds then his to possess. He waited for each one gave their pain meaning respected their struggles and loved each one in their own way. He would wait until he could feed upon their mind, devour their emotions, and feed his flagging soul with their hopes their desires and their passions. When he had had his fill he would roll them aside and sleep deep and peacefully his body revived his strength resurged.

Then for a while he could exist, the blackness would lift from his mind he can function in the world, he would leave his web and stand proud his body to the sun feeling the elements on his skin the strength coursing through his veins. But always he knew this was temporary and whilst he enjoyed this time he had to plan for the next blackness. The next time when his soul would sink and sleep eluded him, when he moved in the shadows and hid from the light. It was then he needed his next victim and as he became weaker he was unable to prey on her and lure her in. The task had to be done whilst he lived.

  How he hated this existence hated the game that he played, longed to be able to stop to be fulfilled so the shadows would be gone from his heart forever.

At first it was fun he would locate his prey understand her and learn how to reel her in. The arrogant ones were easy some flattery, pretty words then leave the chase to them. They would fall into his web through their own vanity. Whilst he felt some twinge of guilt it was this group that he found the easiest yet the least fulfilling.

The vulnerable and broken ones took some time ultimately they would fall but it took some time to get through their defences. Flattery didn’t work here and he had to ensure he had plenty of time to work his magic. He was the pursuer in this case encouraging her to get used to his presence. Inserting himself into her life without her noticing. Making her feel like a woman again touching parts of her mind that left her limp to his touch. And when she fell she didn’t struggle she accepted her fate believing there was more and by giving in to him he would be hers she would be fulfilled. It was these that left him most anguished, wretched and guilt ridden yet perversely it was these that fed him the most and fulfilled him for longer.

  But his latest choice perplexed him. She came across as vulnerable and broken but her spirit shone strong from within, her face shone with an unearthly glow and her beauty was striking. How he longed to see her to engage with her trace the lines on her face look deep within her eyes and to hold her close. But this was forbidden; he could not break the codes.

The codes that governed his life and ensured he existed. The codes had been passed on as a child and as he entered his rite of passage the codes he learned to live by.

  ‘’Never allow them to enter your mind’’ his mentor would tell him over and over again it was his mantra his saving.

For if they entered his mind he could no longer exist he would cease to work his magic and his soul would perish burning forever in the fires of hell.

  But try as he might he could not shift her from his minds eye. He had found 3 victims where he sucked hungrily on their passion took them with a wildness that shook them to the core and discarded them with such abandonment it shattered their souls. He felt no guilt but neither did his hunger for her abate, the need to feel her light on his skin, her touch on his body and her warm breath inside of him.

He found himself gravitating towards her watching her with greedy eyes wanting to consume her yet wanting to be with her to allow her to possess him, the ultimate sin for his kind.

  And as he weaved his magic she came closer he closed his eyes and he could smell her feel her light and her warmth seep into his soul – He had to possess her he had to make her his. As she came close to his web his throat tightened with fear he knew he was powerless once she was within his grasp, he knew he would have to carry through the ritual, which would leave him bereft, and without which would torture his soul and deny his manliness. But he watched helplessly as the web enclosed her body.

  But try as it might his web could not hold her, could not lie her still soothe her cries and hold her victim to his prey. It settled around her and she ran it through her fingers, it glowed golden where it touched her body and shimmered as if with satisfaction.

Confused he moved towards her she lifted her face to him as he touched her cheek. She locked her beautiful eyes upon him, as he drifted through the space in her eyes he felt the pain he had inflicted on countless victims his heart burst and his eyes poured with tears. At that moment just before the blackness closed around him and he sunk into a pit of eternal slumber he knew.

He knew, she was an Angel sent to him to end the pain and sorrow.


Hello world!

Hello world!! Wow what an opener to my first ever blog.

Well I’m patchwork mum, its my name cos thats my life. I am a Mum of two teenagers and one almost adult, a step Mum of three teenagers and a foster mum to three little ones. In the middle of all this i sustain the romance with husband #2  run a hosueful of the loopiest animals and occassionally dabble in various types of work in the big bad world.

This morning was a typical Monday morning, little ones awake at a ridiculous hour chomping at the bit to get to school which they love versus teenagers struggling to get out of bed and lots of bribery/blackmail if they make it to school on time. When is that magical moment where school goes from being the best place ever to some kind of inhumane punishment forced upon them??

Take my son, an intelligent likable ( yes i know i.m biased i am sure if one of his teacher wrote this they would probably write something very different!) happy 16 year old. ( you see you were with me up until i said 16!) Who considers school to be the worst punishment imaginable. In his little world he is going to leave school in a couple of months and get a well paid job allowing him to pursue his hobby of hanging around and ”partying” every weekend. Sadly the hours he wants to keep mean that only certain professions such as drug dealing, gun running or prostitution are going to keep him in the dream to which he hangs on to. There is very soon going to be a violent clash with reality when he realizes life doesn’t work out like that.

Meanwhile youngest of the teenagers has just been returned to school after an exclusion for ”forgetting” what class she was in and what school college she belonged to at the time of said memory lapse. So after a day of mooching around she goes back today complete with the attitude i know and love! Completely exasperated teachers yet again try to get through to my wonderfully warm, funny intelligent and loving 13 year old daughter, as she gazes out of the window thoroughly absorbed in the surrounding landscape admiring its beauty and the wonderful life she lives. Yeah right through her head rolls a rhythm of get me out of here to one of the latest ”screamo” tunes she is listening too. But as her Mum i sit and listen shake my head in the right places looked suitable shocked and gaze out of the window watching the landscape admiring its beauty and wondering if anyone would really notice if i just ran through said landscape waving a white flag and shouting ”I’m a Mum get me out of here!”